The Key Practice To Develop Self-awareness

Introspection is often suggested as a practice for developing self-awareness. While it certainly is a good place to begin, it is not sufficient in isolation. This is because when we think about ourselves, many self-protection mechanisms come into play. These self-protection mechanisms prevent us from seeing the truth about ourselves.

We are simply not good at knowing ourselves through thinking.

The clues about us lie in the much-ignored feeling space. And the competency that we need is the competency of noticing our feelings as they arise.

So, the practice that can help develop self-awareness, is the practice of noticing the feeling of resistance.

Everything we do, is an attempt to make things different from what they are. So, it begins with resisting what is.

What she said. What he did. What she did not do. What he seems to be feeling. What she seems to be thinking.

And then we react. To fix. To influence. To manipulate. To maintain.

By fighting or avoiding. In many subtle ways.

When we notice our resistance, we can begin to ask what we want to change and why. We can go beyond the surface answer. We can examine the belief systems that underlie the surface righteousness. We can ask what is important to the other person. We can ask whether they want to change the way we want them to change. We can notice our assumptions. We can notice the questions we are not asking. We can notice their reaction as we resist. We can notice our interpretation of their reaction. We can also ask, is our reaction conducive to bringing the change we want? Is the change we want conducive to our true intention? What is our true intention?

The resistance is not good or bad. It is simply information — about us. Understanding this information enables us to use it in a way that truly serves us. We begin to choose our response, rather than be driven to react.

This information, accessed in the moment that it arises, is called self-awareness.

This freedom, to choose our response in the moment, is called self-regulation.

So, the practice is to notice the resistance arise. Notice the judging. Notice the rationalization. Notice the self-righteousness. Notice the agreement. Notice the disagreement. Notice the leaning in. Notice the pulling back. Notice the urge. Notice wanting to say something, do something, or make something go away. And to be curious about it all.